So the other day I got into a bit of an argument with Jacky again. So here is what happened... kind of ever since i got to Korea I keep giving her little gifts here and there just because..... she has just been so wonderful to me and I am seriously grateful and to me, giving her little gifts makes me really happy it is just a little token of my appreciation. Anyways... so the other day she told me I need to stop giving her things. And in my mind I was like "yeah, whatever" didn't really give it much thought. So then later that day actually, I remembered I had not given her these table mats that I had asked my mother to get from Mexico for her and so I wrapped them up and gave them to her the next day and she was like "i told you to stop giving me things".... see where this is going???? .... Anyhow... so the next day (Friday) we were supposed to have our English lesson at 7am before school, but I clearly did not hear my alarm clock and woke up at 7:15! I totally freaked out and first thing i did was give her a call. Totally freaked out I was like "Jacky, i am SO sorry... are you in school already?" of course, she was. I told her what had happened and apologized and she was like "it's totally fine, don't worry about it. No big deal." But still, felt super super bad because I was not there. I just did. Could not help it. So what did I do??? On my way to school i stopped by the convenience store right around the corner from my house (which took a whopping 2minutes; i was already running late so i thought "the heck with it"-2minutes wont make a difference) and bought some Ferrero chocolates for her. Again, BECAUSE i had totally missed our appointment and felt bad and NOT just to give her something.
So then i got to school and when i gave her the chocolate she totally would not take it. And she said again "Anais, are you bribing me? you need to stop giving me things? but i explained that i was giving her chocolate as kind of an apology for having missed our appointment. Anyways.... later that day at the end of the day i was getting ready to leave and when i got back to my desk i saw there were 2 bundles of omook on my desk (omook is this fish stick things that are simply delicious and some teachers order from school). btw. Jacky loves omook and always orders too. But she didn't have any and she said she didn't order because she didn't know the teacher had placed an order. So first of all , i felt bad because i feel like i should have made sure that she knew that teachers were placing an order the days prior (she always makes sure I know- when teachers order) So then I told her to take one of my bundles, so then at least she would have some omook to take home with her. Note: this is the same day as the chocolate. So can you guess what happened???.....
she would not take the omook and i when i told her to take it i said "its an order. take it. i am not asking you" note: i use this kind of speech in the states all the time. Kind of like to say... you REALLY should take this. PLEASE take it. Anyhow... she ended up NOT taking it.
So then the rest of the day i was feeling surprisingly depressed. I was not sure why but then i figured out that it was because i was feeling really rejected. I don't think i have ever had anyone reject my giving things to them as Jacky did. So i felt really sad and it really did hurt my feelings that she did not what to take the chocolate i got for her or the omook i wanted for her to take home. I was kinda shocked actually at how much i let something that little affect me.
So this kept bugging me throughout the day and so i wrote her a skype message telling her how i was feeling and all and BOY ..... the answer that i got. In short words this is what she said "first of all, you need to respect how i have been living for the past 35 years. Also, when someone gives something to someone else, both people should feel good about it, not just YOU. I don't feel comfortable when you give me so many things because i feel like i owe you something. Also, i don't appreciate you saying things like 'its an order, its non-negotiable, etc' Not even grace would use that language with me and i don't need that language coming from someone much younger than me such as you" Note: grace is another teacher at school. She is 52 i think. and in Korea culture the older you are the more respect you deserve.
so if you are thinking ..OUCH, THAT HURT! you are right. But as much i thought OUCH, i realized that Jacky was absolutely correct and really did appreciate her being brutally honest with me (i have asked her always to be brutally honest and not beat around the bush as i prefer people to be direct with me- and Koreans are usually rather indirect). I need to understand that i am now in Korea and need to respect the social norms here. I have to watch my language and be more respectful. cuz even things that for me might not be wrong in any way, could be majorly disrespectful to someone. Anyways... i am seriously surprised on how patient Jacky has been with me and how much really she has put up with me. because i am sure i have probably been disrespectful more times than i can account for without noticing and she has not told me because she is trying to give me a chance to figure it out on my own (this she said to me). which i appreciate. But i think when it came to giving her stuff, and some of my direct word choices my chances ran out. it was like a 1,2,3, strike and you are out. So yeah, we talked and now we're good and on the same page. always a plus. I don't think i could ever bear to be in conflict with her.
oh, i was gonna mention. I think i am much more lenient and not very careful about my behavior when i am with Jacky than when i am with any other Koreans simply because i keep thinking of her as having been more exposed to other cultures and way of life and so i guess maybe in my head i keep trying to convince myself somehow that she doesn't the traditional Korean mold and so I can be more just like i usually would be with her.. not sure if this makes sense, but it makes sense in my head. The point is... i should treat Jacky just like i would any other older Korean. might take a while to get used to, but got to do it.
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